Positive or gentle parenting sometimes gets a bad press. Mainly because people can mistake it for parenting with no rules or boundaries. This really couldn’t be further from the truth. In positive or gentle parenting we prioritise our connection with children and become their most influential life coaches. However, we do this with clear rules, boundaries and routines and of course we enforce these, which allows us to say no and to redirect difficult behaviours. Rules and boundaries are essential for physical and emotional safety. Frustration and disappointment are important in the development of resilience, an essential life-skill. However, we try NOT to shout “no” or lose our cool. We practice rules and boundaries over and over again until behaviours become proceduralised. Sometimes ruptures happen e.g. parents become dysregulated, but in gentle parenting, we quickly use repair to mend these moments.
However, this stuff ISN’T EASY, especially when the parenting we have received ourselves has been less than optimal or when life pressures e.g. financial worries, work stress, divorce, grief etc etc pile-up on us. I often start my parenting courses by telling parents that their role as a parent is probably the hardest job of their life. You are on duty 24-7, it’s extremely physically and emotionally demanding, where constant problem solving and your own emotional-regulation is required. There is no place to hide! Yet for this enormous role, we receive very little training and in more western societies less and less support from our wider families and communities. This means that in the first session of all of my parenting courses, we spend its entirety thinking about parental self-care and ways that we can look after ourselves, and we revisit self-care throughout the weeks, so it too hopefully becomes proceduralised.
The difficulty of the job means that many parenting methods and books have proliferated. But who to believe? Which method to choose? What is best for your child and your family? It’s a big market out there and everyone has an opinion! For this reason, I’ve decided to give you a brief book review of what I believe are the best books, authors and positive/gentle parenting experts out there at the moment. All the methods and books here are based on the latest psychological evidence in terms of what is best for a child or teenager’s developing brain, their healthy attachment and their ability to cope and adjust as adults in this ever complex world. I’ve divided the list into age-groups (0-5yrs: 4-12yrs: 13-21yrs) but some of the books are suitable for all of the age groups. There’s also a section for more sensitive or neurodiverse children and a section about exploring what your own triggers are.
Small Children: 0-5
Beginnings by Sarah Ockwell Smith
This well organised and accessible book by a British Clinical Psychologist and Parenting Expert Sarah Ockwell-Smith helps tired and overwhelmed parents to think about connection, supporting developmental skills and independence, dealing with tantrums as well as small child sibling rivalry. I would also highly recommend following Oawell-Smith on Instagram or Facebook.
Good Inside by Dr Becky Kennedy
Dr Becky is an American psychologist. Her approach is similar to Oakwell-Smith’s with perhaps a little more structure and practicality. This book contains all you need to know for the early years. Dr Becky is BIG on social media! There’s even a parenting support app called “Good Inside” where you can get practical coaching advice and ideas!!
Say What You See by Sandra R. Blackard
I came across this brilliant slim volume when I was working as a School Psychologist, and teachers in the school where I worked started using the method. The book outlines a method for the coaching of pro-social, emotional and resilience skills in children. So easy to use, you can read the whole thing in about 40 minutes and go back to the easily organised chapters for reference. There’s even a section on redirecting difficult behaviours. Relevant for toddlers right up to tweenies.
Middle Childhood: 4-12
The Whole Brain Child by Dr Daniel Siegel and Dr Tina Payne Bryson
This book explains the latest findings in developmental brain science in EASY terms and tells us how we should parent according to what we know about the developing brain. I enjoy the easy to conceptualise metaphors of “upstairs downstairs brain” and “left side right side brain” parenting.
The Gentle Discipline Book Sarah Oakwell-Smith
Ockwell-Smith tells us how to discipline in a gentle way using an easy to access format and lots of practical tips. There’s also content about how to deal with sibling rivalry.
More Sensitive or Neurodiverse Children
When the Naughty Step Makes Things Worse by Dr Naomi Fisher & Elisa Fricker et al
If your child is particularly sensitive or neurodiverse then this book is for YOU! Psychologist, Dr Fisher’s own children are neurodiverse and she has devised a form of parenting called “Low Demand Parenting”. In this wonderful book, Fisher & Fricker take us through gentle, yet boundaried parenting ideas for children who need something different. I would also recommend following Dr Naomi Fisher on Instagram and look out for her free webinars on Linked In.
Teens: 13-21
How To Raise a Teen by Sarach Ockwell-Smith
The brain goes through a massive stage of growth, pruning and crystallisation between the ages of 12 to 25. This can make parenting hard and complex at times. Where is the balance between growing independence, rules and the need for connection and closeness, and how do you keep yourself calm in the face of a lot of emotional dysregulation? This hot-off the press book explores all of these issues, and offers great advice and up to date evidence-based parenting tools to use with your teen. Ockwell-Smith also spends time at the end explaining how to let go when they finally leave home, and for women, how to cope with this plus peri-menopause and menopausal symptoms. She’s even coined a new term for this phase of a mother’s life: Demetrescence.
The New Adolescence. Raising Happy and Successful Teens in an Age of Anxiety and Distraction by Christie Carter PhD
Our teens are growing up in a complex world and have much more pressure and information to deal with than we ever did. No wonder they are described as an anxious generation. This book will help you to navigate the difficult parenting questions of social media, gaming, vaping, porn, sexting, sexuality and more. A must-have for all parents of teens today.
Knowing what our triggers are
What about those moments of parenting when you just lose-it or feel overwhelmed and anxious by particular interactions or behaviours? As parents it’s important to know what our own triggers are e.g. what behaviours and emotions of our children subconsciously trigger our own difficult experiences from childhood. The following two books help you to explore this important issue and help to raise awareness. Having this kind of awareness of our own triggers is an essential parenting tool, and I would recommend these two books as ESSENTIAL.
Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel J, Siegel M.D & Mary Hartzell M. Ed.
The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read and Your Children Will be Glad That You Did by Philippa Perry
