In my work with adult clients I have frequently come across an issue, and that is the difficulty of making friends in adulthood. This problem is further exacerbated by immigration, meaning that it is harder to make friends when you have moved to a different country. As an immigrant myself, who has been living in Finland for over ten years, I too have noticed this issue.
But let’s rewind for a moment. What does the research say about this? Most people implicitly understand that having friends is important, but why is that?
As social beings, we intrinsically have a need to connect and feel connected to other people (Tomasello, 2014). Research has shown that people who have friends are more resilient. Being resilient means that someone is more easily and quickly able to recover from stressors and difficulties. For example, a study by Christakis and Fowler (2013) showed that having friends made it easier to deal with mental health issues such as depression, anxiety as well as physical difficulties. Friendships can also be a positive influence on other levels. For example it was found that being friends with a generally happy person can make us happier too (Fowler & Christakis, 2008).
On the other side, not having any or too few friends often leads to adverse mental and physical outcomes (Hawkley & Cacioppo, 2010). Social disconnection and loneliness, something that is unfortunately experienced by a lot of immigrants in Finland. Loneliness is generally defined as the difference in wanted connection with others versus the real experience amount of connection (Peplau & Perlman, 1982). A recent statement by the Finnish government mentioned that up to 14% of immigrants report feeling lonely (Finnish government, November 2023).
Many adults I talked with in Finland and other parts of Europe told me about the difficulties of finding new friends, especially if they have somewhat newly arrived in a new place. Especially in the immigrant community in Finland struggling to make friends seems to be a persistent theme.
Let’s look at some practical tips on what can help us find friends in adulthood.
Finding the courage to reach out to others
Going out of your comfort zone and trying to meet new people often feels very vulnerable. It can feel as if not having enough friends in adulthood is embarrassing, because we often assume that it is normal to have friends. These feelings and thoughts about one’s own social network can make it difficult to gather up the courage and reach out to others.
One approach that can be helpful in being courageous is to ask yourself how you would try and find new friends, if you could assume that others will like you and would like to be friends with you. Take a note of what comes up when you frame the search for friends from this perspective and see if you can challenge yourself to take action as if you could assume that the perspective was true.
If this feels difficult still, consider reaching out to a psychologist or psychotherapist. With the help of a professional you can work out for example what is at the root of your difficulties and come up with ideas on how to deal with them.
Commit to regular efforts
If you have tried once and not succeeded, don’t become discouraged. It is quite normal that it takes some time to find your people. After all, you are looking for people you enjoy spending time with! On the other hand, looking for friends shouldn’t become your whole life. Instead, I recommend that you decide how much time you are willing to spend on a weekly basis until you connect with the right people.
Generally, we find it easier to make friends when we can connect over a shared activity. So that means it is often easier to meet new people when we engage in a hobby or for example a social cause. For example, it is a good start to go to a weekly language café or course where other people are likely to join with the goal of making new friends. Once you have found people that you enjoy spending time with, you can then see how you can make spending time together a regular part of your life.
Making friends in Finland:
Think about what you find interesting. Is there a hobby that you have been wanting to try or a past pass-time that you would like to re-activate? See if you can find a course for example the Helsinki adult education centre (in Finnish Helsingin aikuisopisto).
An alternative idea is to connect with other like-minded individuals through shared causes. For example Mieli without Borders (which is a daughter-organization of Mieli, the world’ s oldest mental health organization), offers opportunities to volunteer and events such as their Toivo groups. Here you can become a facilitator yourself, or join organized groups and events.
Some other places where you can join communities through which to make friends are the Finnish libraries, Fintegrate, Luckan Integration, Girl Gone International, Familia ry, Nice Hearts ry, IWWOF, Finland Cricket, Finland Rugby, FinnBrits, Arbis, työvänopisto Helsinki, Espoo, Vantaa, “Help Me, Help You” (next event February 19th), choirs such as The St Nicholas Chamber choir and His Master’s Voice, Helsingi Choir, Maailma Kuoro, Toast Masters, Crush and The Foundher Table network.
I hope you found this blog post helpful and that it inspires you to reach out to new people. I wish you all the success with this! If you think that you would like to have some more help making friends in adulthood, or other mental health topics, have a look at the Compass Psychology website where you can find information about support options, including some affordable therapy pathways.
References:
Christakis, N. A., & Fowler, J. H. (2013). Social contagion theory: examining dynamic social networks and human behavior. Statistics in medicine, 32(4), 556-577.
Discrimination and loneliness affect immigrants’ wellbeing – Finnish Government. (n.d.). Finnish Government. https://valtioneuvosto.fi/en/-/56901608/discrimination-and-loneliness-affect-immigrants-wellbeing November 2023
Fowler, J. H., & Christakis, N. A. (2008). Dynamic spread of happiness in a large social network: longitudinal analysis over 20 years in the Framingham Heart Study. Bmj, 337.
Hawkley, L. C., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2010). Loneliness matters: A theoretical and empirical review of consequences and mechanisms. Annals of behavioral medicine, 40(2), 218-227.
Peplau, L. A., & Perlman, D. (1982). Perspectives on loneliness. Loneliness: A sourcebook of current theory, research and therapy, 1-18.
Tomasello, M. (2014). The ultra‐social animal. European journal of social psychology, 44(3), 187-194.