For generations, perimenopause and menopause were discussed in whispers, reduced to a punchline about “hot flushes”. Today, we are breaking the silence. Menopause is not merely a biological endpoint; it is a profound neurological, psychological, and relational metamorphosis that impacts how we move through the world and connect with those we love.
The Neurology of Dropping Oestrogen
To understand the psychological shifts of perimenopause, we must look at the brain. Oestrogen is not just a reproductive hormone; it is a master regulator of the female central nervous system. It acts as an upstream modulator for key neurotransmitters, including serotonin (our mood stabiliser), dopamine (our reward and motivation driver), and GABA (our calming agent).
As oestrogen levels fluctuate wildly during perimenopause and ultimately drop, the nervous system loses its primary chemical buffer. This biological drop can leave your nervous system in a state of hyper-reactivity, triggering a cascading series of physical and mental side effects:
- Systemic Disruption: Sleep disturbances (often driven by night sweats), severe brain fog, spikes in anxiety, hot flushes, and metabolic shifts leading to unexpected weight gain, and these are to name just a few of the symptoms women can report!
- The Empathy Drain: Oestrogen is deeply linked to the brain’s oxytocin pathways, which govern social bonding and emotional resonance. When oestrogen plunges, you may feel an unfamiliar emotional numbness or a noticeable dip in your capacity for empathy and patience. It is not a character flaw; your brain is physically recalibrating its emotional circuitry.
The Impact on Our Closest Bonds
These biological shifts inevitably ripple outward into our relationships. With partners, the physical reality of falling oestrogen directly impacts intimacy. Reduced blood flow and dropping hormone levels frequently lead to vaginal dryness and a decreased sex drive. Navigating these changes requires immense vulnerability, as the combination of physical discomfort and low libido can easily be misinterpreted by partners as rejection.
Simultaneously, our relationships with our friends and children face a unique structural shift. Psychologist and parenting expert Sarah Ockwell-Smith coined the brilliant term “Demetrescence” to describe this specific window of a woman’s life. Inspired by Demeter, the Greek goddess of harvest who grieved when her daughter Persephone left for the underworld, Demetrescence captures the profound emotional metamorphosis of parenting older children.
Just as a new mother undergoes matrescence, the mother of teenagers or young adults undergoes a parallel transition. This period often collides directly with menopause. You are navigating hot flushes and brain fog at the exact moment your children are growing up, pushing for independence, or leaving the nest. The grief of the empty nest, alongside the physiological chaos of menopause, creates a perfect storm of emotional vulnerability. On top of this you may also be caring for or supporting your own ageing parents, just when you are feeling that you are the one who needs caring for! All of this can be so exhausting, and it’s ok to exercise some gentle boundaries with loved ones and friends.
Weathering the Storm-How to Support Yourself
If you are currently in the thick of this transition, please remember: you are not losing your mind, you are navigating a massive biological shift. Here is how you can begin to reclaim your well-being:
- Seek Specialist Medical Support: Don’t suffer in silence. Book a consultation with a gynecologist who specialises specifically in perimenopause and menopause to discuss tailored treatment options, including Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT). There are also plenty of natural alternatives to this, which are worth researching.
- Prioritise Sleep Hygiene: Give your nervous system a chance to rest by winding down significantly earlier. Create a cool, dark sleeping environment and limit screens at least an hour before bed. Use earplugs if your partner is continually waking you up with their snoring, and ask them to consult a doctor for this problem!
- Open the Lines of Communication: Talk to your partner, family, close friends and parents. Explain the science of what is happening. Letting them know, “I am dealing with a major hormonal shift right now, which is why I might seem more tired, angry, or overwhelmed,” invites them to be your allies. It’s also ok to say no to social events, commitments and gatherings, or to leave the party early if you are feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.
- Move for Mind and Bone Health: Incorporate strength training, weights and long walks into your routine. This is vital, not only for mental well-being but also for maintaining bone density as oestrogen levels drop. Look for gentle, empowering inspiration from experts like former athlete Sally Gunnell on Instagram, who advocates for moving to support both body and mind, without pushing yourself to exhaustion and still allowing yourself to eat and enjoy chocolate! Another of my menopause instagram favourites is Clare Eaton|Midlife Fitness (feelgoodhealthfitness)
Above all, be kind and forgiving to yourself. You are traversing a monumental life transition.
A Quick Exercise in Self-Compassion:
Close your eyes, place a hand over your heart, and take a deep breath. Acknowledge the weight of everything you are carrying right now. Tell yourself silently: “This is a hard moment, but I am doing the absolute best I can, and that is enough.”
For a deeper look into the emotional load of this parenting and midlife transition, you can watch Sarah Ockwell-Smith discuss Demetrescence in this insightful Sarah Ockwell-Smith Interview on Later Parenting, where she explores why parenting older children while navigating midlife shifts presents such a heavy mental load.
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