Reaching for Connection, Nic Boendermaker, 2025
Most of us are very skilled in the language of judgments. In a split second, we can evaluate a situation and arrive at a conclusion that we see as the truth: “My mother is so selfish.” “I’m so stupid.” “My colleague is so reliable.” This usually happens automatically and in the blink of an eye. What we are often not aware of is what fuels those judgments: needs.
Most of us were never taught to think or speak in the language of needs. We learned instead to think in judgments—of others, of ourselves, of the world. Yet, underneath every judgment lies something universal and connecting: a need that is asking for attention.
A butterfly effect moment
I first encountered this idea three and a half years ago, during what I can now jokingly call “the most important conflict of my life.”
It was my 27th birthday party and I had just started dating someone new who I thought was terrific. I was thrilled to celebrate with them. I imagined us co-hosting the party, me introducing them to everyone. They, however, did not share my fantasy. For them, the relationship was moving too quickly; they were starting to feel claustrophobic.
The night ended with both of us in tears, hurt and disconnected. Then, one sentence snapped us out of it. In the middle of our conflict, they asked “Have you ever heard of Nonviolent Communication?” The next day, I signed myself up for an NVC basics course at Connecting2Life, the NVC school in Amsterdam.
Since that lightning-bolt moment three and a half years ago, I have been learning and practicing NVC. It’s taught me to see the world through a lens of empathy—to recognize the
needs that I see as the base element of connecting to ourselves and others. It has been the most profound and meaningful thing I have ever learned.
What are “needs” in NVC?
In Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of the NVC movement, describes needs as the universal, life-affirming qualities that motivate all human behavior. Needs are not specific actions or demands; they are the underlying forces that shape them—things like connection, autonomy, safety, understanding, rest, play, or meaning. They are abstract, universal, and answer the question “why?”.
When our needs are met, we feel pleasant, expanding emotions. When they’re not, we experience unpleasant, contracting ones. Rather than naming what is really going on for us, however, we try to express ourselves through judgments. Marshal called this tragic and I agree.
“My partner is the best listener” may really mean “I need to feel heard”. “I’m so lazy” might point to a need for competency and growth.
“He’s so clingy” could be a need for autonomy and space.
Learning to translate judgments into needs is the core skill of nonviolent communication. It’s a shift from seeing what’s right or wrong to seeing what’s alive in myself and others.
Needs in action: the inner battlefield
Recently, I was assisting in the facilitation of an online NVC workshop. After the session ended, I stayed behind to answer participants’ questions. There were several people who lingered, and I spent ten minutes responding to them one by one. The next morning, I was still thinking about it. My mind replayed the scene, offering up a steady stream of judgments and worries: “I should have organized that better. Did I protect people’s privacy? Were they annoyed they had to wait? Was I good enough?”
It is a privilege to be able to say this, but my mind, on a random Wednesday morning, is the most violent place I regularly experience. I wonder if it’s the same for you.
Triggered by my own judgments, my empathy “muscle” kicked in. I began to guess at the needs underneath my thoughts: “Is it that you really care about the participants’ experience?” “Is it that it is so meaningful for you that they feel supported?” Yes—that was it. Beneath the self-criticism, I simply wanted to contribute to others’ learning and ensure they felt cared for. (N.B. I am not saying that I am uniquely virtuous. I believe we all want to serve others, with the most selfish of motivations: it meets our own needs!)
How sweet. I could almost taste the needs on my tongue—it gave me something to chew on. The clarity that comes from naming needs still surprises me. Often that recognition quiets the internal storm. That is, just naming the need, and letting go of figuring out what to do, can soften the edges of conflict. From this place I find connection with myself.
Practicing the language of needs
Empathy is not something we either have or don’t have—it’s a skill we can develop. Each time we pause to listen for the needs behind our or others’ feelings or judgments, we strengthen that skill, that muscle.
I wonder if you’d like to give it a try the next time you notice your mind judging or trapped in a loop of worry. The great news is that this practice is very simple—even if it can feel clumsy and foreign at first.
Start by identifying what you’re feeling: “Is it that I feel…?” Keep guessing until something resonates with what’s alive in you. Then, gently ask: “Do I feel this because I’m needing…?” When I’ve named the right need, there’s often a shift: relief, quiet, a sense of connection.
Below, there is a link to Marshall’s list of common feelings and needs. I keep this list in the notes app on my phone. Using the list for reference takes the effort away from making these empathic guesses when we first start training our NVC skills.
Needs are the quiet heartbeat behind everything we say and do. When we begin to listen for them, with curiosity instead of judgment, even our most painful moments start to make more sense.
For those who made it to the end and are interested: the person from the birthday conflict is now one of my best friends. We practice our NVC skills with one another regularly.
Free feelings and needs list: